you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
