Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize