There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
