you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
