The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
