areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
