remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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