i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I understand Curling. That high.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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