What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize