she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
