apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
