when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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