Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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