my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
