3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
