plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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