Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
