Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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