my mouth tastes like poor choices
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
