Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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