and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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