I'd wear matching sweaters with you
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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