Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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