Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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