There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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