so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
