I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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