The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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