Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
