I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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