I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
