i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
