Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Bring me that man meat
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize