Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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