I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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