Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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