I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
