So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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