OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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