someone get that fucking seahorse.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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