Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
