This girl is more easily done than said...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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