She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize