Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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