In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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