im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
