areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
