the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We need a shit load of segways right now
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
