Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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