just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
