I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
