Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
