Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my phone needs a breathalizer
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
