Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
