Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
