She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
