Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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